PARTIES
I wish I was more of a party-goer. Maybe if my socializing skills were better it’d be easier finding a job. At a friend’s company Christmas party, it certainly didn’t help my job prospects to ask the CFO where he got his wig.
When I go to a function I tend to stand by the buffet and concentrate on eating. Chocolate- covered strawberries are among my favorites. I don’t care about the other guests. Let them wait their turn while I pop six or so into my mouth.
Many party hosts try to slow consumption by choosing foods that aren’t easy to deal with. Peel ‘n eat shrimp and barbequed spare ribs are in that category. These foods are intentionally messy and prohibitive to conversation, as they require skill and concentration to consume.
Getting the shell off a shrimp can take two hands. The little suckers are slippery. Even experts like me, who can grab the shrimp with our teeth and extract it from the shell using only one hand, might lose a shrimp or two. And not many women will be polite about removing an errant shrimp from their cleavage.
I sometimes use these messy foods to my advantage, though. It keeps people at bay who I’d rather not spend much time talking to. People generally avoid a person with a ring of barbeque sauce around their mouth or cocktail sauce dripping from their fingers.
Of course, there’re always people who don’t pick up on such subtle clues. I have a knack for attracting people I can’t get away from. At the Christmas party, I made the mistake of starting a conversation with an older gentleman. He happened to be parked over the nachos I wanted.
I thought we’d have a basic conversation about the weather. But he proceeded to tell me each and every clever thing he’d done since high school. And I made the mistake of feigning interest by asking him questions. So I was a goner. I was only able to make a break for it by faking a sudden bout of diarrhea.
I knew things had to change. I checked out a CD set from the library on how to improve one’s social skills. I listened to the entire set of ten discs, picking up some valuable suggestions.
In the situation above, what I was supposed to do was ask the old guy a question to switch the focus of the conversation to me. Or else pull someone else into the conversation as the sacrificial lamb. That way I could make a graceful exit. I don’t know, though. Not even a nuclear holocaust would’ve derailed this guy.
I learned that in joining a group conversation, you wait until you hear the participants discussing something you can comment on. At the next party I went to, I put this advice into practice. I interrupted a conversation on a local Chinese restaurant by blurting out, “Hey, did any of you hear about the sudden scarcity of feral cats? I’m going to be on the lookout for fur-balls in my Lo Mein from now on.”
I had meant this to be funny. But my comment was greeted with dead silence and stares. The conversation picked up again as if I hadn’t said anything. I slunk off in confusion. It turned out the men in the group I’d sought to join were not only the owners of the restaurant I’d insulted, but also the hosts of the party. Oops.
If you're enjoying this over coffee, tea, or whatever, please consider buying me a cup!CURMUDGEONS AND HANDICAPS
I have a handicap. It has a name. It’s called “nearsighted.” I have glasses, but other than when I drive or to see presentations in meetings, I don’t often wear them. I like seeing clearly, but I hate wearing glasses. So, I usually choose not to wear them.
We all have handicaps. Some are easier to identify than others. For me and many people, it’s our eyesight. Others are bound to wheelchairs, lack the function of essential organs, or have some disability requiring special adaptive equipment. Yet everyone else has minor things like a weak hand, getting headaches, are color-blind, hard of hearing, lack in physical coordination, aren’t good with numbers, have a bad sense of direction, allergies, twitch, blink, limp, get a lot of gas, halitosis, have bladder control issues, irritable bowel syndrome, nervous stomach, suffer from insomnia, always feel tired, are tone deaf, can’t touch their toes, etc., etc. The point is, we all deviate from “normal” in some way, shape, or form. We all have handicaps.
For many, we can correct our handicaps easily enough with a device; like I can wear glasses. For others, their handicap may not lend itself to correction; like my daughter.
Brandi is an adult with developmental disability. Other than being a good clinical definition, what does that really mean? In her case, basically her IQ is low. She doesn’t understand things as easily as us “normal” folks.
Brandi’s trainable. She’s learned to perform tasks essential to her care. She is pretty self-sufficient. But Brandi isn’t able to comprehend a complex succession of logical concepts and contingencies. So, things like driving a car or figuring out a budget are beyond her reach. Now, if you set up a budget for her, Brandi can keep a ledger to see how much money she has left. But, her understand of the “big/little” concept means she doesn’t have any real awareness if five dollars is a lot of money or not.
She also lacks the creative intelligence to carry on meaningful conversations — at least as defined by many people. That type of intelligence is also responsible for fabricating lies. So, while Brandi can get confused, she’s not prone to lying. Hmmm, I guess that could be considered quite a handicap to some people.
However, that lack of creative intelligence means Brandi views things on a very simple level. Hence, her conversations are simple. She tends to ask the same questions and make the same comments over and over. This is something people can find irritating. According to some paradigms, repetition is simply unacceptable.
Despite her difficulty in communicating at a sophisticated level, she still has the same basic need to interact with people. We are social creatures, regardless of our handicaps. Brandi has just as much desire to feel love, compassion, and kindness as anyone else — regardless of whether she expresses herself according to the exacting standards of other people or not. But by not meeting up to their expectations, they often simply dismiss her. Or, they may be too afraid to extend themselves beyond their own comfort zone.
This is a shame, because with her simplified ability to understand nuances, Brandi doesn’t put much stock in differences between people. She doesn’t care if someone wears designer clothes or is dressed in rags. Brandi accepts people for the good she sees within each one and shares herself honestly. The social impediments that most of us stumble on, she simply steps over. This makes Brandi a delight to be around for people who see past her handicap.
All Brandi desires is to be treated with respect and talked to honestly. The discussion may not involve deep topics, but the insight into people she shows may surprise even the most devout curmudgeon who simply gets annoyed. I admit I can relate to the curmudgeon, because I too have been annoyed in my interactions with her. But being with Brandi has opened up my paradigm to be less inward focused on my own biases and more accepting of the needs of others. It has given me the gift to appreciate people for who they are, rather than the mold I wish them to fit into.
So, if you ever meet Brandi, or anyone else who exhibits developmental disabilities, maybe you’ll have the opportunity to overcome your handicap of intolerance. Just ask her how she’s doing and leave your sophistication at the curb. Enjoy a fresh breath of honest sharing.
If you're enjoying this over coffee, tea, or whatever, please consider buying me a cup!
