FIRST IMPRESSIONS

When my oldest brother first met the woman who would become his wife, he took along a picture of himself to show her. That’s not as odd as it sounds. They were set up on a blind date at a Halloween party. He wore a quite convincing costume and wanted to make sure she knew what he normally looked like.

He understood the value people place on first impressions. The picture of himself was his insurance against her developing a bias which might have derailed the relationship before it even started. I’m sure there were other factors at play, but since they got married, obviously it worked.

Quite often the judgment a person makes when first meeting someone can define the entire scope of their relationship. Certainly by staying alert and developing our powers of observation, we can glean much information from subtle clues. However, it’s unfortunate that a brief snapshot in time can become the sole basis for assessing the entire scope of a human being.

This is especially unfortunate because at any given moment, we can either rise to new heights of social savvy or dive into depths of dimwitted delirium. If we meet someone when we’re riding one of those lows, we could make a terrible impression that we can never overcome. On the other hand, that bad first impression may have nothing to do with us at all. It could also be the person we’re meeting is riding his or her own low and that is tainting their objectivity.

Judgments, no matter how useful, can also create false impressions which lead us astray.

They tend to get applied whenever we feel a personal assault. Problems arise because, as it turns out, very rarely is anything ever intentionally meant as a personal assault. Usually it’s just a misinterpretation on our part, based on only having partial information. But when our egos feel bruised, our otherwise impartial observations become poisoned. We make a judgment, justifying it with our misinterpretation of that partial information.

Learning when to apply judgments and when to hold them at bay can be a useful skill. It’s pretty clear when judgments are needed for decisions regarding purely physical events; like whether to race across a busy street when a small opening appears or deciding to stand on a chair when reaching for something, instead of getting a ladder. But when the decisions involve interaction with other people, they’re not as clear.

At those times, we can learn to rely on another source of guidance. This source comes from somewhere deep inside. I call it the “inner voice.” I don’t really know where it comes from, but it is the voice of “higher reasoning.”

I’ve learned to recognize this voice from all the other “voices” in my brain because it’s the one which always speaks from a sense of calm. It is never anxious, nor does its advice ever feel uncomfortable. It makes its statements matter-of-fact and leaves it to me to accept or reject them based on the gift of free will. It doesn’t try to coerce me or offer justification. It simply suggests in a non-threatening tone.

I have my personal belief that this “voice” is my direct connection to the divine, but it may just be my conscience speaking. Either way, I don’t have to understand its source to benefit from its wisdom.

Try listening for it yourself. It speaks in many situations, but you might find it useful next time you meet someone for the first time who seems to fall below your limit of acceptability. Their poor first impression may have nothing to do at all with their underlying personality. Then again, you might ask if they have a picture of their real self to show you.

CUTCHEE CUTCHEE COO

It’s easy to make babies happy. All you have to do is blow a few raspberries on their little bellies, or make a goofy face, or wiggle your finger in their sides while saying, “Cutchee cutchee coo.” That’s usually enough to get a smile or a giggle.

What a feeling of joy that brings. Seeing a baby smile is like a slice of heaven served up hot and fresh right now.

But then what happens? Babies start to grow. They get more sophisticated. They get bored with simple things which were amusing just a few months earlier. It takes more and more to make them smile, let alone laugh. We go to greater and greater lengths to enjoy that feeling of joy while pleasing that little baby.

Similarly, when new relationships are still in their infancy, it’s easy to get a laugh from the other person. He or she laughs easily at our antics and witticisms. But then what happens? They get bored. We go to greater lengths to experience that joy which warmed our hearts in the beginning stages.

Why does this happen? We’re still the same people. We generally still find amusement in the same types of things. But yet the smiles aren’t as wide, the glow in our eyes isn’t as sparkling, the feeling of joy changes.

How sad.

“Waddya mean?” you say. “Why would the same things be funny if I’ve already seen them? I need something new and exciting to hold my interest now.”

Hmmm, I guess there is something to be said about spontaneity being an effective means for eliciting laughter. But before they grow up too much, babies find all those things mentioned above to be funny for quite some time. They smile at the same goofy face they smiled at before. They appreciate the wonder present in the moment.

“Well they’re babies,” you say. “They don’t know any better.”

Perhaps, but on the other hand, Charlie Chaplin basically made a career out of doing the same routines over and over. The settings and situations changed, but the gags were pretty much the same. Many modern-day comedians have their own particular routines that people find funny time and again. Look at the movies and television. The jokes and plotlines are about the same from one to another. I’m sure you’ve watched a scene in a movie that was almost identical to one in another movie, and I bet you laughed at both.

So maybe there’s something more to it than simple repetition that makes things less attractive. Maybe it has less to do with the action performed than it does with the mindset of the person viewing the action. Maybe it’s that the person has developed a bias where things must be presented bigger and better, more spectacular, and with greater emphasis on the outrageous to be amusing any longer. Maybe it boils down to expectations.

We condition ourselves to expect more and more, then become disappointed when we don’t get it. Hence, we lose the ability to appreciate what we found value in before.

Perhaps it’s akin to what philosophers and religious leaders have been saying since the dawn of humanity — we must become like little children. Regardless of how sophisticated we become, we must still hold onto appreciating the wonder present in each moment.

Try it and see if the glow you felt for your significant other still sparkles the next time he pulls one of his “standard” gags on you. You may find yourself actually passing over the threshold of joy. And even if you only feign your amusement, I bet it will really pass that threshold when you see the look of satisfaction on his face as he enjoys the appreciation you showed.

I’ll be testing you. I’m the guy sneaking up behind you, wiggling my finger in your side, saying, “Cutchee cutchee coo.”

NUMBER LINE

Do you remember learning how to use a number line? It’s one of the basic tools taught when learning mathematics.

It’s such an easy concept. To add two numbers together, place your finger on the line corresponding to one of the numbers. Then simply count out the other number, taking one step to the right for each count. When you’re done counting, look where your finger is now pointing and that’s the sum of the two numbers. To subtract, just count each step to the left of the number you started out with. Simple, right?

I know when I learned the number line, I rushed right home to impress my parents with my new-found intelligence. I felt right proud of my new skill. That number line thing was, literally, child’s play. But then what happened? We started learning “times and gazintas.” You know, 5 times 2 equals 10, and 5 “gazinta” 10, 2 times.

The proper terms are multiplication and division. Well, they’re is a bit more complicated. That was an eye opener for me. I was just getting used to adding and subtracting, then it seems they changed the rules on me. I had to stretch my brain even further.

Little did I know that was only the beginning. Next came geometry and algebra. When I got that down, they introduced me to trigonometry. Then when I started to think I really knew a thing or two, they sprung something really bizarre on me — calculus. I distinctly remember scratching my head and muttering, “What the hell are they talking about?”

Well, it took some time and lot more effort, but finally I got it. It all started with the number line. Then each new layer was based on the foundation laid from the previous layer. The key was making sure I practiced each layer until I understood it, then I was ready to take on more.

I started realizing some important things. Whether it’s mathematics, reading, relationships, or any other aspect of life, it all starts very basic and keeps building. Every complex concept is made up of simpler steps along the way. All I have to do master the simpler steps in order to reach the more complex stages.

As I got older, I tried speeding this process along in so many different aspects of my life. I took shortcuts. That may work fine for cutting through one store at the mall to get to another, but it doesn’t work well in most areas of life. Taking too many shortcuts can lead to some pretty severe consequences. We end up facing situations that we’re simply not prepared for.

Life and all its myriad nuances are understandable, but the important part is practicing each step as it comes. By breaking things down into manageable, easy to swallow bites, we can evolve from things like swinging on vines, to precisely firing our rockets into the correct trajectory to land on the moon. We can progress from pulling the hair of a girl we like in kindergarten, to partnering with someone and sharing a life of love. We can mature from making up with our best friend after fighting over a toy, to establishing lasting peace between nations.

I guess it all does start with that number line.

CURMUDGEONS AND HANDICAPS

I have a handicap. It has a name. It’s called “nearsighted.” I have glasses, but other than when I drive or to see presentations in meetings, I don’t often wear them. I like seeing clearly, but I hate wearing glasses. So, I usually choose not to wear them.

We all have handicaps. Some are easier to identify than others. For me and many people, it’s our eyesight. Others are bound to wheelchairs, lack the function of essential organs, or have some disability requiring special adaptive equipment. Yet everyone else has minor things like a weak hand, getting headaches, are color-blind, hard of hearing, lack in physical coordination, aren’t good with numbers, have a bad sense of direction, allergies, twitch, blink, limp, get a lot of gas, halitosis, have bladder control issues, irritable bowel syndrome, nervous stomach, suffer from insomnia, always feel tired, are tone deaf, can’t touch their toes, etc., etc. The point is, we all deviate from “normal” in some way, shape, or form. We all have handicaps.

For many, we can correct our handicaps easily enough with a device; like I can wear glasses. For others, their handicap may not lend itself to correction; like my daughter.

Brandi is an adult with developmental disability. Other than being a good clinical definition, what does that really mean? In her case, basically her IQ is low. She doesn’t understand things as easily as us “normal” folks.

Brandi’s trainable. She’s learned to perform tasks essential to her care. She is pretty self-sufficient. But Brandi isn’t able to comprehend a complex succession of logical concepts and contingencies. So, things like driving a car or figuring out a budget are beyond her reach. Now, if you set up a budget for her, Brandi can keep a ledger to see how much money she has left. But, her understand of the “big/little” concept means she doesn’t have any real awareness if five dollars is a lot of money or not.

She also lacks the creative intelligence to carry on meaningful conversations — at least as defined by many people. That type of intelligence is also responsible for fabricating lies. So, while Brandi can get confused, she’s not prone to lying. Hmmm, I guess that could be considered quite a handicap to some people.

However, that lack of creative intelligence means Brandi views things on a very simple level. Hence, her conversations are simple. She tends to ask the same questions and make the same comments over and over. This is something people can find irritating. According to some paradigms, repetition is simply unacceptable.

Despite her difficulty in communicating at a sophisticated level, she still has the same basic need to interact with people. We are social creatures, regardless of our handicaps. Brandi has just as much desire to feel love, compassion, and kindness as anyone else — regardless of whether she expresses herself according to the exacting standards of other people or not. But by not meeting up to their expectations, they often simply dismiss her. Or, they may be too afraid to extend themselves beyond their own comfort zone.

This is a shame, because with her simplified ability to understand nuances, Brandi doesn’t put much stock in differences between people. She doesn’t care if someone wears designer clothes or is dressed in rags. Brandi accepts people for the good she sees within each one and shares herself honestly. The social impediments that most of us stumble on, she simply steps over. This makes Brandi a delight to be around for people who see past her handicap.

All Brandi desires is to be treated with respect and talked to honestly. The discussion may not involve deep topics, but the insight into people she shows may surprise even the most devout curmudgeon who simply gets annoyed. I admit I can relate to the curmudgeon, because I too have been annoyed in my interactions with her. But being with Brandi has opened up my paradigm to be less inward focused on my own biases and more accepting of the needs of others. It has given me the gift to appreciate people for who they are, rather than the mold I wish them to fit into.

So, if you ever meet Brandi, or anyone else who exhibits developmental disabilities, maybe you’ll have the opportunity to overcome your handicap of intolerance. Just ask her how she’s doing and leave your sophistication at the curb. Enjoy a fresh breath of honest sharing.

FOOTBALL PADS AND MISSED OPPORTUNITIES

One year I wanted a set of football pads. In my child’s view of the world, I planned to be a baseball player in the summer and play football in the fall. To my delight, that Christmas I received my pads. I’ve long since lost them, but at one time they served me well.

I can also remember that as far back as my memory goes, I wanted to have children of my own. That didn’t come at Christmas, but eventually I fathered two daughters. I’m happy to say that unlike the football pads, they’re still around!

There is a lag between the time we desire something and the time we get it. Sometimes it’s a short lag. Sometimes the wait is longer. That’s a good thing. It allows us time to mull it over carefully. We can decide if it is what we truly value or whether it’s just a passing whimsy.

It seems that the longer we have to wait, the more valuable the treasure when we receive it. For example, the football pads held little intrinsic value in my life, so they came and went quickly. On the other hand, my daughters are gifts beyond even my fertile imagination. They took a while to receive, but they’re still available for me to cherish.

I don’t claim to understand how the mechanism works, but I do know the things I desire have a way of presenting themselves to me. Patience is a virtue which comes into play big time in this process.

Patience had not been a friend in my earlier years, but now I believe I have a pretty good handle on it — usually. Some people seem to have been born with it. But for the rest of us, it’s one of those things we acquire after living through many disappointments. It’s like John Michael Montgomery sang, “Life’s a dance you learn as you go.”

Regardless of our intimacy with patience, that mechanism of being presented with what we desire still chugs along. Now, that doesn’t mean all we have to do is wish and it will magically appear. Oh no. We have to plug away, find opportunities, and set into motion the groundwork to get the whole ball rolling.

That’s where the lag time between first desiring it and getting it is important. It’s possible that by the time we’re ready to receive this gift, we no longer want it. Well, that’s cool. People change their perspectives.

However, sometimes we haven’t received it beyond the time when we feel it’s reasonable. By then we become jaded, disillusioned, and cynical. Then, when it does finally show up, we cast it aside in our bitterness. We dismiss it, even though it’s something we still dearly want. How sad. Kind of like that saying, “He cut off his nose to spite his face.”

How often have you been guilty of this? I know I’ve done this more times than I care to admit.

We must be careful about what we wish for, but we have to be just as careful about what we choose to send away. If it took this long to finally get here, it may take even longer to get back once we overcome our bitterness.