EXERCISE
So it’s mid-January and I’m feeling a bit hefty. All the rich foods I ingested over the holidays produced stretch marks on my hips.
I did buy lotion to “fade” the marks and instead of an angry red, they’re now bright pink. Not exactly the results I hoped for.
So I guess I’ll have to spring for the premium fader-cream next time. The one “guaranteed to erase the march of years from your hips and thighs.”
I’d like to erase my need for exercise. I have no problem sitting on the couch for hours binging on wholesome foods like tortilla chips and pizza rolls.
But until they invent an “undo” pill, I think I’m stuck with exercise to deal with the aftermath. And my usual exercise routine of repeatedly hoisting a diet soda to my mouth, won’t cut it.
Walking is probably the easiest form of exercise. It doesn’t involve special equipment, clothing or a specific locale. Although I have to say I’d rather walk on the beach than on the grounds of a nursing home. The scenery is better.
Walking has its hazards, as does any sport. If I’m walking downtown, I have to be careful on sidewalks, many of which are made of brick.
The individual bricks create an uneven surface. I alternate between stubbing my toe and falling into a hole. Dogs don’t seem to have a problem, though. Maybe the stability of four legs makes a difference.
I have my favorite walking peeves. And it’s not trying to avoid over-weight joggers or profusely sweating ones — though they do present a challenge.
I dislike pets and their owners using the same walking paths I do. Fido needs to take a dump and he’s determined to do it near me.
I think the dogs do it out of spite, drop a small turd or two when their owners aren’t looking. Unless a hapless jogger is really paying attention, it’s easy to find a foot suddenly sliding in brown goo. And I just love the way the stuff gets into your sneaker treads so it’s extra hard to wash off.
I’m not fond of people who are selfish or rude when it comes to walking rights-of-way. I don’t know why I have to yield to the guy with the phone stuck to his ear, walking in the middle of the path.
There are a fair number of parks here with walking paths. One of my favorite ones traverses a drawbridge over the sound. The foot-traffic lanes on either side of this bridge are very narrow. Two people abreast can barely pass.
So what was I supposed to do about the lady with the baby carriage heading toward me and taking up the entire lane? One glance at her relentless stride convinced me she would give no quarter. My choices seemed to be; step onto the highway or dive off the bridge into the water.
I did neither. At the last moment, I squeezed myself tightly against the railing. She ran over my instep with the baby carriage.
I yelped in pain and the baby started crying. The lady stopped.
She asked anxiously, “Are you alright?”
I started to reply. But, she wasn’t addressing me.
If you're enjoying this over coffee, tea, or whatever, please consider buying me a cup!REIKI – PRINCIPLE 5
I’ll conclude my discussion of the principles of Reiki by focusing on the fifth principle.
Just for today:
- Release anger
- Release worry
- Embrace gratefulness
- Work hard
- Spread kindness
Try this experiment. Walk down a street busy with foot traffic. As you’re walking, try making eye contact with people walking toward you. Frown while looking at them. Notice their facial expressions. Is it neutral? Do they frown back? Does it change from what it was before they noticed you frowning at them?
Repeat the experiment, but this time smile as you’re making eye contact with others. Again, notice their facial expressions. Are they different than when you frowned?
My guess is that when you frowned, most everyone’s expressions were either neutral or frowning back. But, when you smiled, almost everybody smiled back at you.
In our interactions, people tend to reflect back what they receive. Hence, if you greet people with an unhappy demeanor, they return unhappiness. However, if you greet them with a smile on your face, their expression softens, their eyes brighten, their lips curl up and they respond with a smile too.
Certainly there will be deviations from this general rule, but this phenomenon seems pretty much universal. Hence, if we make it a point to spread kindness, our actions encourage others to also be kind.
Progress from merely smiling at people. Try holding a door open for someone. Put a coin in the cup next to a homeless person. Kiss your spouse or significant other with heartfelt meaning when you leave the house in the morning or return at night. Hug your child when they react negatively out of fear. Hug yourself when you feel fearful. Accept kindness gratefully when it’s offered by another person.
By practicing the fifth principle of Reiki, we can be an instrument through which kindness flows.
There’s one other important aspect of the principles of Reiki worth discussing, the preface, “Just for today.” It’s a simple phrase that packs a wallop of meaning.
If we take it to heart and practice all five Reiki principles just for today, think of how wonderful our personal environment will be today. If we practice them tomorrow, then that day too will be wonderful. Practicing them the following day makes that day exquisite also. Now think about doing that day after day, month after month, year after year.
In ten years time we’d have a decade of virtual bliss. Practicing them each day will guarantee a fulfilling life of happiness, peace, and joy. Moreover, our example will spur others into discovering their own pathways to joy. We actually become the change which shapes the world into heaven on earth.
We manifest our own reality. Why not manifest a reality of happiness?
By releasing anger today, we diffuse violence. By releasing worry, we abolish anxiety. When we embrace gratefulness, we breed harmony. Through our hard work, we ensure having a purpose. In spreading kindness, we release our unlimited potential for joy. Consistently practicing all five today and every day creates a space free from fear and allows love to flow freely.
Whether we believe in Reiki or not, following its five principles just for today ensures we live in peaceful coexistence with all our brothers and sisters in the human race.
If you're enjoying this over coffee, tea, or whatever, please consider buying me a cup!REIKI – PRINCIPLE 4
The five principles of Reiki are listed below. Today’s discussion regards the fourth principle.
Just for today:
- Release anger
- Release worry
- Embrace gratefulness
- Work hard
- Spread kindness
Relaxation is fun. It refreshes us, so we’re better able to carry on with the business of living. But, in order to live life to its fullest, we need a sense of purpose.
Purpose propels us forward. The level of commitment we make to that purpose is what defines the scope of our growth. The greater our commitment, the wider the scope.
Have you ever felt like you’ve lost your purpose? How did you feel? For me, it caused me to flounder. Apathy became my standard emotion. I didn’t care about my physical appearance. My friendships seemed unimportant. I did little more than go to work. Then after work I’d “veg” out in front of the television, ingesting illegal substances to numb myself until it was time to go to bed. It was a pretty dreary time in my life.
Then I decided to go back to school, so I could prepare myself for a career. With a career I figured I could take care of my family — which, after my divorce, consisted of two small children. I gained a purpose and felt fully committed to it.
Those were lean years in terms of money. But, I applied myself fully to school, while maintaining some semblance of a normal family life. My oldest was in Brownies, then Girl Scouts. My youngest, who lived with my ex-wife, was also busy with events. Plus having them both every other weekend caused a hubbub of commotion to deal with. There were activities to attend and a pile of homework every night. Rarely did I fall asleep before midnight and the day started again before six.
I was one busy boy!
It was during this time I learned the value of hard work. Within months of committing to school, my apathy changed to excitement. I reveled in the explosion of all the new and interesting information revealing itself to me. I felt closer to my children. The time constraints imposed by our lifestyle meant every moment we spent together had to be chock full of meaning.
Hard work literally transformed me from an aloof blob into a human being brimming with purpose. I became aware of how amazing life was by simply engaging in it.
After graduating, I immersed myself in building a career as a statistician. This led to me going back and simultaneously working on a master’s degree. After completing that, I found a job that whisked us away to another state. There were new challenges to face. I then entered into studies expanding my personal and spiritual growth. This led to my ordination as an interfaith minister. Now, while still maintaining my career, I write. Aside from writing the Roses side of Whine & Roses, I host a local writer’s group. I also perform Improv comedy with a group of friends.
Hard work continues to keep apathy at bay. With no apathy, overwhelming anxiety and depression remain distant memories.
Having purpose is a personal choice. It doesn’t even matter what purpose is chosen. It’s commitment to that purpose which defines growth opportunities. The fourth principle of Reiki, “work hard,” is the vehicle that fosters growth and guarantees a fulfilling life.
If you're enjoying this over coffee, tea, or whatever, please consider buying me a cup!REIKI – PRINCIPLE 3
Today I’ll discuss the third principle of Reiki. As a review, here’s all five:
Just for today:
- Release anger
- Release worry
- Embrace gratefulness
- Work hard
- Spread kindness
After waking today, I went into the bathroom to do my regular morning routine. I turned the faucet handle and watched the water flow. Immediately I felt gratitude. What a luxury it is to simply turn a knob and receive the gift of fresh water.
I know you’re aware there are many people throughout the world who don’t have such easy access to running water. Certainly that’s true in many of the so-called “Third World” countries. But, it’s also true in America and throughout all the so-called “developed” countries, too.
If you have access to the news, you know there is a major recession. Many people are out of work. There are also unfortunate people, good people, decent hard working folks, who’ve lost their homes and are forced to now live in tents or on the streets. These people have no running water.
Think about it. All it would take is to lose your job and few other hard breaks and you too could be living in a tent. “Never happen,” you say? Well, I hope for your sake that’s true. But, there are a lot of people who said the same thing you did not long ago and are now standing in line at soup kitchens.
Those of us still working take things like running water for granted. We also expect that when we plug our big screen televisions into an electrical socket, electricity will bring it to life so we can watch our favorite shows.
I’m not going to make a fuss about the “haves” and the “have nots,” but for the good graces of fortune, many of us have access to basic conveniences. Are you grateful for them? Or do you simply expect them? Maybe even demand them as part of our modern way of life.
We’re certainly grateful when we receive a present, but “embrace gratefulness” means so much more. It means being grateful for every blessing we have. This runs the gamut from enriching experiences of enjoying friends, family, and every interaction that fills us with love; right down to mundane things like running water and electricity. If we truly count all our blessings, we’d be counting for days.
Do you own a boat? Jewelry? Have a closet overflowing with fine clothes? A recreational vehicle? A summer home? Are you able to afford exotic vacations? All these things truly are worth being grateful.
But what about other things? Do you have a house or apartment? A car? Have adequate food? A place to bathe? Medicine? A bed to sleep in? Blankets? People who truly care about you? The smiles of friends and the hugs of loved ones? These simple things are not entitlements that appear simply because you demand them. They too are things worth gratitude. If you didn’t have them, think of how miserable your living conditions would be.
When we embrace gratefulness, we can’t feel disappointment or sorrow. All we can be is happy for the bounty that enriches our lives. When we’re happy, we spread that happiness. Everything we touch, we then caress with harmony. Harmony breeds harmony. We make this world a gentler place to live. We create a space that extends kindness to everyone within reach, who in turn pay it forward.
Gratefulness is one of the keys that unlocks joy. Practicing the third principle of Reiki ensures that key is within reach.
If you're enjoying this over coffee, tea, or whatever, please consider buying me a cup!BASEMENTS
I have a love/hate relationship with basements.
As a kid, I hated being sent down there to fetch stuff. It was usually when I was watching TV or on my way out of the house to play. Out-of-season clothes, old costumes from Mom’s performances, furniture, and my baby pram were stored in the basement. I also found my brother Mark’s cherished toy A&P truck, which Mom later threw out.
But the basement was primarily used to store extra boxed and canned food. The extra Oreo® cookies, the ones that weren’t in the pantry or under Mark’s bed, were stored there. And there were enough canned goods to survive a nuclear winter. Still are.
The old kitchen cabinets housed most of the canned-food hoard. Those cabinets ended up in the basement when we replaced them in remodeling the kitchen. Dad, never much of a handyman, reinstalled the old cabinets at a precarious angle. It seemed like they were in constant danger of falling. In any case, I always opened a cabinet gingerly. I never knew when a can or dead mouse would fall out.
Our house was close to the woods. We got field mice quite often in the house. They liked to hide out in the basement, especially during the cold New York winters. I suppose they liked the warmth and darkness. And there were the cans of food. But I doubt even the most resourceful mouse could open one.
I’m not sure whether it was worse to come across a dead mouse or a live one. Dead ones were disgusting, but at least they could be dealt with. Mom produced a small dust pan and broom, and whisked them up and out into the garbage.
Mom always assured Mark and me the mice were more afraid of us then we were of them. But I don’t know. Some of those mice seemed pretty bold to me. They chewed the lips right off my Kissy doll.
In our early teen years, Dad remodeled the basement into a “recreation room.” Peel ‘n stick white linoleum covered the concrete floor. A “drop-ceiling” with lights was installed. Furniture and even an old black-and-white TV were added — all in an effort to make the place “cozy.”
The best addition was a dart board. Mark and I hung it on the back of the wooden door leading into the boiler room. We threw a lot of darts, but the dart board remained mostly unscathed.
The recreation room was supposed to be where Mark and I threw parties. If we invited friends over, we went down there to entertain them. Unfortunately, it didn’t quite work out like that.
Both Mark and I were rather dorky nerds. A fact that was not conducive toward having a lot of friends or parties. What friends we enticed to our home didn’t stay long once they knew what was in store.
The fact was, the “recreation room” was still a basement. It smelled like a basement. It looked like a basement. Not even the cheesy linoleum hid that. The basement still leaked when we got a lot of rain and the walls grew moldy. The smell of mothballs and mummified rodents lingered, despite spraying liberal amounts of air freshener.
Mom and Dad never held any of their parties down there. Although after a brief stint in the kitchen, Mom banished Dad and his poker parties to that nether realm. I noticed that over time, Dad’s poker buddies stopped using our house altogether. I guess that was Mom’s objective all along.
If you're enjoying this over coffee, tea, or whatever, please consider buying me a cup!REIKI – PRINCIPLE 2
The five principles of Reiki are:
Just for today:
- Release anger
- Release worry
- Embrace gratefulness
- Work hard
- Spread kindness
Today I want to discuss the second principle.
Ever since I was a kid, my mind raced. It jumped from topic to topic, like a game of leap-frog. Thoughts entering my mind spun and weaved with other thoughts to create elaborate tapestries.
For example, if I was playing baseball, a diving catch transformed into cheers from an imaginary crowd, followed by an announcer’s excited play-by-play description and an instant replay flashing on the screen in my brain. Then I’d think maybe a professional scout happened to be driving by, saw my spectacular catch, and would instantly offer me a contract to the big leagues. I saw myself, the first kid in history decked out in a Detroit Tiger’s uniform, stepping up to the plate to face Bob Gibson of the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series. Which, of course, we’d win and I’d get the most valuable player award. Then there’d be a ticker tape parade down Woodward Avenue with me waving from the back of a convertible limousine with the top down; driving up to City Hall, where I’d receive a key to the city from the mayor. Not to mention I’d do commercials for shaving cream. What difference did it make that I wasn’t old enough to shave yet? All this in the space of only one minute. Plus there were 1,439 other minutes in that day just as full!
The downside of this hyper-speed thought process came during unhappy times. Like when my grandfather died and we went to the funeral home. One look at his body lying in the coffin and immediately I pictured my entire family, one by one, lying in a coffin like that; with flowers surrounding each one and a room full of wailing mourners. That’s when I discovered worry.
After that, I found that a racing mind could conjure up an army of demon thoughts that dropped me to my knees in terror. I became a worry wart. As I got older, that wart grew into a rash covering the surface of my entire being.
Then I learned that’s just the nature of mind. It races.
Mind’s function is to think. It doesn’t usually care what it thinks about, it just thinks. It thinks of pleasant thoughts, unpleasant thoughts, important thoughts, silly thoughts, and thoughts that don’t really make any difference to anybody. It just thinks nonstop.
The interesting thing is most of what it thinks about is the past or what it anticipates will happen in the future. Unless you’re engaged in some dangerous activity which requires all your focus, rarely does it think about anything that you can control right now.
By consciously monitoring every passing thought in a short period of time, we realize most of the things we think about are beyond our control in that moment. Most of those thoughts do nothing but create worry. And while worry may not be as volatile as anger, its effects can still be insidious.
Slowly and steadily, worry robs us of our peace of mind, deteriorating our enthusiasm, and zapping our desire to appreciate life. It squeezes out our happiness and replaces it with disappointment and anxiety.
We can train ourselves to pick out the important thoughts and let the worrisome ones pass. They can help up to make plans, but once those plans are made, we can put our effort into executing them, one step at time. In doing that, we can dismiss the thoughts that only fuel worry.
Thoughts of the past help us learn, but once the lesson is learned, we can dismiss those thoughts. Thoughts of the future help us develop new plans, but once developed, we can dismiss those thoughts, too. What happens next is we live in the “now.” By living in the now, we release worry.
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I wish I could run myself through a car wash.
Car washes fascinated me as a child. It was magical — all that whirring machinery and alternate bursts of water and soap. I dreamed of being in our convertible as it journeyed through the car wash. I too would get “so clean, it hurts your eyes.”
Being washed, dried and ready to go in less than five minutes would be great! Car-wash soap is the industrial kind, so probably a bit harsh on human skin. But I would choose a “Basic” wash and dispense with the soap cycle altogether. There would need to be an automatic dryer though. No one is going to hand-dry me with a rough, dirty towel.
The automatic car-washes, those without any attendants, seldom work out for me. Take this past weekend. I pull up to “Soap n’ Suds” establishment and park next to the vacuum kiosk. I always clean my car interior first. And it really needs it. The floor mats lie stiff with accumulated dust and rocks. You’d think I spent weeks in a gravel pit. And crumbs sprinkle my back seat like I had a four-year-old back there eating animal crackers.
First I have to untangle the vacuum hose, which is kinkier than the guy who wanted to drink out of my shoe. The long hose reaches the other side of my car without a lot of gymnastics. But it’s big and clumsy to use. I feel like I’m enveloped in the coils of an Anaconda. I have to continually stop to extricate myself.
It’s a dollar-fifty for just four minutes of vacuum time. And that sucks! It’s barely enough time to clean one floor mat. I feed the vacuum quarters like it’s a slot machine. You’d expect good results for all that money (three bucks) — but no. The suction is so feeble, I probably stand a better chance using a lint brush.
I give up in disgust, replace my still-dirty mats in the car and drive twenty feet to the washing bay. They have self-serve ones in addition to the one automatic bay. Last time, I tried a self-serve one, but I just couldn’t figure out how to use it. I ran through all three cycles worth of money in the first wash cycle. In retrospect, I think I spent too much time scrubbing the encrusted bird-poo off my roof.
So I head for the automatic car-wash bay, which is currently empty. I stop at the payment kiosk and choose my wash package. I push the button for the “Deluxe” wash and insert my ten-dollar bill. But the machine promptly spits the bill out.
Noting the creases in the bill, I take care to smooth these out before reinserting it. Once again, the machine angrily regurgitates my money. I rummage through my wallet and come up with a five-dollar bill and five ones. Painstakingly, I insert each of these, one by one. The machine, painstakingly, spits each and every one of them back out.
By this time, there’s a line of cars queued up behind me. I can sense the mood is getting ugly. So I fish out my credit card and insert that into the machine. There’s a blinking message. I have to shade my eyes from the sun to read it. It says, “Card read error. Transaction terminated.”
If you're enjoying this over coffee, tea, or whatever, please consider buying me a cup!REIKI – PRINCIPLE 1
I’d like to introduce the five principles of Reiki. Oh, what is Reiki? Well, there are lots of websites which explain it. Some people swear by it, while other’s call it “hooey.” If you’re curious, Google it. Besides, it’s the five principles I want to discuss, not to debate about Reiki itself. I’ve listed the principles below. I’ll devote a post every day this week to discussing each one in more detail.
Just for today:
- Release anger
- Release worry
- Embrace gratefulness
- Work hard
- Spread kindness
I have plenty of first hand experience with anger. It’s one of my banes. I get angry over the stupidest things. I don’t often get angry with people. Rather, I tend to get angry at things – particularly things breaking.
If the lawnmower breaks or my computer starts acting up, you may want to leave the room. In fact, you may want to leave the house! I can rattle off a chain of obscenities that would make rappers blush. I’ll also admit that in my agitation I’ve even thrown a thing or two. That usually just leads to a small malfunction mushrooming into a major repair.
Replacing a fouled sparkplug on a lawnmower is one thing. However, having to replace the carburetor, because in my anger trying to back out the plug I smashed it with the wrench, makes the job a lot more complicated. In fact, it’s too complicated for me to attempt. Hence, a trip to the repair shop. Even if I hadn’t broken my ratchet wrench when smashing the carburetor, I still don’t have the expertise to replace a carburetor. Of course the repair shop needs a few days to repair the damage from my tantrum. Hence, a trip to the rental store is now required to rent a mower while mine’s in the shop. Plus, I now end up paying the neighbor’s kid to finish mowing since my hand is in a sling – bruised when the broken wrench ricocheted off my knuckle.
I’m sure I’m not the only one whose anger at a machine creates a cascade of tragedies, but I’ve seen other people who take those kinds of frustrations in stride. However, some of them are more prone to releasing their anger on other people. That also becomes a dangerous situation with severe consequences. Some of which can’t be repaired with a couple replacement parts and a few new bolts.
I’ve let anger compound issues until the devastation wrought by my anger outweighed the original problem. No, I’m not proud of it. I’m a work in progress. I can, however, point to situations where I’ve released anger. Releasing anger circumvents all these problems. Not only that, it keeps the mind clear, allowing it to think logically, open to any inspiration that resolves issues instead of compounding them.
I’ve long been a student of the proverbial “school of hard knocks.” So, I know first hand the benefit gained by approaching a situation after releasing anger. Fewer things get broken and I don’t have to watch those around me cower from my outbursts. It’s a much better situation.
Releasing anger defuses a potentially harmful situation into a positive learning experience. Following the first principle of Reiki makes it much easier for me to maintain a peaceful demeanor. More peace means greater harmony spread in the world, which ripples outward to all beings. Harmony, I heartily recommend it.
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I’ve been in a funk the past several days. It’s let the air out of my sails.
Physically I wasn’t feeling well last week. A physical condition can certainly affect my entire outlook on life. The post-holiday blues also have an influence. The mental high of constant activity followed by a lull can lead to a let-down. That, coupled with a cold snap in the weather, weakens the desire to be active. Add to that the day-to-day worries and petty frustrations always swirling around, and the next you know is your boat is adrift in the Sea of Funk.
One thing I’ve learned is not to overreact to this feeling. I have to consciously make myself aware of all the funk’s nuances. Otherwise, it could infiltrate every aspect of my being, including all my interactions with others.
I’ve let it the funk overwhelm me before. That was awful. I started finding fault in everything and everyone.
That general feeling of “life sucks” is a pretty good indicator that the funk is alive and doing well.
Another indicator is not finding joy in things that usually bring it. If beloved friends, family, or activities feel pretty “ho-hum,” then there’s a good chance the funk is behind it.
What exactly is the funk? In our over-analyzed world, brimming with elaborate hypotheses and insipid taxonomies, I imagine there’s probably a clinical definition of it somewhere. But who really cares? How can you describe feelings in words? That’s like trying to describe a color or a smell. Besides, it’s probably different for each person.
The bottom line is, we all feel it and know what the funk feels like to us.
The important thing is recognizing when the funk descends upon us. Recognition is half the battle. Once we recognize it, we can take steps to counteract its effects. Yoga and exercise are good for this, as I explained in my post Too Sleepy.
Doing something new may also hasten the funk’s departure. Maybe now’s the time to try that sky diving adventure you’ve always talked about. If you want something less adventurous, try eating sushi or go to some ethnic restaurant you’ve never tried. Surrounding yourself with those dearest to you can also help shake yourself from the funk.
One caution is to remember that the funk may curtail your desire to do any of those things. It also lowers your tolerance level of being polite to other people. It just diminishes your overall enjoyment and patience.
Again, recognition is key. If you recognize you’re in a funk, you can at least intellectually reason that your waning enthusiasm may not be directly tied to whatever event you’re participating in.
Despite all the fix-its attempted, you might just need to patiently ride it out. It may just take time for the funk to pass.
We hate to admit it, but letting it pass is a valid option. It’s hard to accept this in our resolution based culture. When something’s not working right, we’re used to taking it into the shop for repairs. If we feel bad we’re prone to pop a pill or get a self-help book to start some new ten-step program.
These all have their purpose, but sometimes nothing beats good old-fashioned patience.
If you’re caught up in the funk and decide to just ride it out, make sure you’re extra cautious not to cast blame on those closest to you. In that state, it’s easy to point the finger at others. I know it’s difficult, but reach down for an extra helping of tolerance. The last thing you need is to create a rift in a friendship which requires herculean efforts of damage control afterwards.
Recognize your funk, batten down the hatches, and don’t jeopardize the relationships you have with loved ones. Just lower your sails and drift patiently until a new wind starts blowing.
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In my post, “Technology Part 2”, we left our heroine jousting with foreign support technicians in a vain attempt to get help with her nonfunctional computer.
After the support gal overseas put me on hold, there was a moment or two when I actually thought she’d come back. I’m not sure what saying is more appropriate here; hope springs eternal or suckers are born every minute.
I was yelling, “Hello!” to a dial tone for several minutes. I threw a minor tantrum. The gal was lucky this wasn’t a video-conference. Or she would have seen me mouth obscenities, too. Not that it would have made any difference — English was obviously her third or fourth language.
I redialed the number and patiently let it ring. But they were wise to me. They probably had my phone number flagged on a “don’t-accept-calls-from-this-person” list. Not even a voice message machine picked up. Frantically, I grabbed my daughter’s cell phone right out of her hand and pressed the support-line digits.
After a couple of rings, there was silence. I heard the whir of a voice-recorder. I was filled with dread — my call had gone into voicemail hell. I was presented with ten options to choose from. The pre-recorded message (seemingly recorded by Darth Vader) told me, in no uncertain terms, to choose. I knew if I chose poorly, I’d have to keep pressing options until I could escape back to the “main menu.” Who knows how long that would take?
So I listened, with my heart pounding, for an option — any option — that could result in a live person on the other end. By this time, I had chewed one fingernail down to the nub. As the options rolled by, I wondered if I should’ve chosen the one for the hearing impaired. But it was too late and I was running out of “options.”
I chose the one where you get to talk to someone about your burned-out motherboard (whatever that is). I chose that one because it sounded severe. I had to go through annoying sub-options requesting that I enter or verbalize information about my computer.
I did nothing and was silent, though the machine pleaded with me to respond. There was a long pause and then a message saying I was now being transferred to the next available support person. And my approximate wait time was only — 30 minutes!
I was apparently correct about there being only one person in the support sweatshop. The same gal finally answered the phone. I recognized her voice. I could tell she recognized mine — she inhaled sharply.
Before she could start yammering, I jumped in, taking the opportunity to suggest emailing her about my computer problem. That way, there’d be no miscommunication. She happily agreed to this, apologizing profusely and unintelligibly about the previous dropped call. Yeah, right.
She gave me her email address and promised to respond promptly. I hung up feeling all warm and rosy inside until I realized that with my computer down, I couldn’t send any email.
Without Internet access on my cell phone, the only other computer in the house was the laptop my daughter used. And she’d taken it with her as she stormed out of the house, still mad about me commandeering her phone.
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